Cramps.
Gas pains masquerading as cramps.
Cramps masquerading as gas pains.
Leg stubble while wearing tight jeans.
My cat meowing at 4.30 am.
My cat meowing at 5.30 am.
My cat meowing at 6.30 am.
Not having enough coffee to brew even a full cup.
Being lied to.
Being lied about.
Not being told the whole truth. Note – this may be different than being lied to, in some people’s minds.
Not having enough time with my daughter.
Being told my daughter is not my daughter.
Realizing that perhaps you made a mistake, a big one, a long time ago.
Realizing that people aren’t always who you think they are.
Realizing that people aren’t always who you want them to be.
Realizing that your expectaions might have been too high.
Understanding that I cannot will people to do the right thing.
Understanding that bad things sometimes happen to good people.
Accepting that some people will never accept you.
Accepting that while it may seem like a good idea to wax your armpits, in truth it hurt like hell. And it grows back.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tired of All the Lies
We all know what a lie is. It's when you say something that is not true, and you say it KNOWING that it is not true. Saying something that is not true, and WISHING REALLY REALLY HARD that it WAS true, does not make it true. It is still a lie. If you say something untrue, but didn't know it was untrue, then that maybe is not a lie. You're just wrong. So if I tell you that the dishes in the dishwasher are clean, and they aren't, but I thought they were - I don't consider this a lie, I'm just wrong. Oops. My apologies.
What if I neglect to tell you something - something important - and I don't tell you because if I do tell you, you'll get really upset with me. And I don't tell you knowing this, and also knowing that if I tell you or not, there's still a problem, or trouble ahead. Is that a lie? For example: I'm a teenager and my parents go out of town. My mother tells me, clearly tells me, that I am not allowed to go over to Ethel's house. While she is gone, I go over to Ethel's house, and I don't say anything to my parents. When they get back, I know that my mother will find out (because mothers find out EVERYTHING). I know that if I tell her, I'm in trouble. And if I don't tell her, and she finds out, then I'm in trouble. So I don't tell her. Have I lied? I did not speak an untruth. In fact, I'm thinking that by not telling her, I'm preventing myself from telling a lie. Some people will think that I have lied (in addition to disobeying my parents, which is a given) and some people will think that I did not lie. I can tell you what my parents think - I lied. And because I didn't fess up, I'm in more trouble - for disobeying AND lying. An omission of a truth, in their eyes, is a lie. And when I think about it, it is a lie in my eyes, too, no matter how I try to justify it.
What if I neglect to tell you something - something important - and I don't tell you because if I do tell you, you'll get really upset with me. And I don't tell you knowing this, and also knowing that if I tell you or not, there's still a problem, or trouble ahead. Is that a lie? For example: I'm a teenager and my parents go out of town. My mother tells me, clearly tells me, that I am not allowed to go over to Ethel's house. While she is gone, I go over to Ethel's house, and I don't say anything to my parents. When they get back, I know that my mother will find out (because mothers find out EVERYTHING). I know that if I tell her, I'm in trouble. And if I don't tell her, and she finds out, then I'm in trouble. So I don't tell her. Have I lied? I did not speak an untruth. In fact, I'm thinking that by not telling her, I'm preventing myself from telling a lie. Some people will think that I have lied (in addition to disobeying my parents, which is a given) and some people will think that I did not lie. I can tell you what my parents think - I lied. And because I didn't fess up, I'm in more trouble - for disobeying AND lying. An omission of a truth, in their eyes, is a lie. And when I think about it, it is a lie in my eyes, too, no matter how I try to justify it.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Mmmphmm
It’s July. It’s hot, and it’s sticky. The car I drive has been rechristened the Duct Tape car – because the roof, head shield and sunroof are held together with duct tape. What started out as a bad episode of Annoyance Theatre has become a reality series with its own following. Duct Tape Car needs new brakes, has a peculiar odor when it’s hot and sticky, has tires that do not wish to remain properly inflated and is in desperate need of an external power wash. Which I won’t do, for fear of leaks, which would increase and possibly alter for the worse the peculiar smell.
My house is big and empty. It sighs at night when I come home, glad for a human presence. The front room is empty, save for a window fan and the paint cans from my mother’s most recent painting chores. On the whole it is clean. A bit of Harold hair here and there, and sometimes some pollen. A small pile of unattended mail on the dining room table. Jasper’s room is sweet, but only really comes alive when she’s around. Her books are in neat piles on the shelves, and some scattered about where she left them the last time she was over. I can’t bear to put them away. The bathrooms have potties in them, packages of wipes on the floor. Unused bath toys in the corner. I can’t believe how much space there is in the medicine cabinet. I never realized how little product I used.
The kitchen has a remarkable lack of crud in “the dirtiest corner in the house”. My refrigerator is void of nearly everything that can be called a condiment. This morning I thought to myself that perhaps I needed to go to the grocery store, but outside of milk, cream and cat food, I couldn’t think of a thing to buy. My freezer, however, is jam packed. 5 boxes of Girl Scout cookies which will still be there in January, 2 flavors of ice cream, meat meat and more meat, frozen potatoes, peas, carrots, beans, spinach. Note to self, get edamame. Jasper loves that. And more popsicles. And maybe freeze pops. I have a few spices now, not that I really use them. They are all blends. Chicago Steak Seasoning (makes even pasta taste like a fire grilled steak). Harley blend. Italian blend. Turkish Blend. 2 Emeril blends older than my daughter. Salt. I have my new knives out. I have a few new coffee mugs – thanks, Mom. Had to get new pots and pans, they hang mostly unused on the pot rack.
Upstairs hasn’t changed too much. Added a play kitchen and a doll house. Got 2 new chairs from IKEA. This time of year it’s either oppressively hot, or nice and cool from the one remaining working AC. The beer fridge is full of leftovers from the last Beer 101 party, and there’s Jagermeister in the freezer. Two guitars for Guitar Hero. Jasper claims the red one is hers and the black one is mine. I rock out late at night to Weezer and Rolling Stones and try to beat Slash in a battle. Jasper rocks out to Old MacDonald. There are fewer cat yak stains since Diva moved out, and definitely less cat hair. My office has moved downstairs, but only partly. I have some straightening and cleaning to do in that corner, but I’ll save that for another time.
My utility bills have decreased dramatically. Like by more than half. My mortgage doubled, though, but at least it’s all mine now. New bank account, new cable service, new credit cards. New legal bills. However, it’s nice managing my money, and mine alone. I always know how much I have (and don’t have) and there aren’t any more nasty surprises resulting in bounced checks. I have little in savings, enough for an emergency plane ticket, but not much else. Everything to the lawyers at this point, which is ridiculous, but more on that later.
My house is big and empty. It sighs at night when I come home, glad for a human presence. The front room is empty, save for a window fan and the paint cans from my mother’s most recent painting chores. On the whole it is clean. A bit of Harold hair here and there, and sometimes some pollen. A small pile of unattended mail on the dining room table. Jasper’s room is sweet, but only really comes alive when she’s around. Her books are in neat piles on the shelves, and some scattered about where she left them the last time she was over. I can’t bear to put them away. The bathrooms have potties in them, packages of wipes on the floor. Unused bath toys in the corner. I can’t believe how much space there is in the medicine cabinet. I never realized how little product I used.
The kitchen has a remarkable lack of crud in “the dirtiest corner in the house”. My refrigerator is void of nearly everything that can be called a condiment. This morning I thought to myself that perhaps I needed to go to the grocery store, but outside of milk, cream and cat food, I couldn’t think of a thing to buy. My freezer, however, is jam packed. 5 boxes of Girl Scout cookies which will still be there in January, 2 flavors of ice cream, meat meat and more meat, frozen potatoes, peas, carrots, beans, spinach. Note to self, get edamame. Jasper loves that. And more popsicles. And maybe freeze pops. I have a few spices now, not that I really use them. They are all blends. Chicago Steak Seasoning (makes even pasta taste like a fire grilled steak). Harley blend. Italian blend. Turkish Blend. 2 Emeril blends older than my daughter. Salt. I have my new knives out. I have a few new coffee mugs – thanks, Mom. Had to get new pots and pans, they hang mostly unused on the pot rack.
Upstairs hasn’t changed too much. Added a play kitchen and a doll house. Got 2 new chairs from IKEA. This time of year it’s either oppressively hot, or nice and cool from the one remaining working AC. The beer fridge is full of leftovers from the last Beer 101 party, and there’s Jagermeister in the freezer. Two guitars for Guitar Hero. Jasper claims the red one is hers and the black one is mine. I rock out late at night to Weezer and Rolling Stones and try to beat Slash in a battle. Jasper rocks out to Old MacDonald. There are fewer cat yak stains since Diva moved out, and definitely less cat hair. My office has moved downstairs, but only partly. I have some straightening and cleaning to do in that corner, but I’ll save that for another time.
My utility bills have decreased dramatically. Like by more than half. My mortgage doubled, though, but at least it’s all mine now. New bank account, new cable service, new credit cards. New legal bills. However, it’s nice managing my money, and mine alone. I always know how much I have (and don’t have) and there aren’t any more nasty surprises resulting in bounced checks. I have little in savings, enough for an emergency plane ticket, but not much else. Everything to the lawyers at this point, which is ridiculous, but more on that later.
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