I think I may need to be more specific....

So the other day Jasper and I are getting dressed. Or rather, I'm getting dressed, making coffee, making breakfast, getting lunches together, getting bags together. Jasper is running around naked.
I tell her, "Jasper, go get some underwear and put it on."
"OK, Mama!" she tells me.
There is more running around, my room, her room, my room, her room. I hear drawers opening and closing, the closet door flung open. More running back and forth. I poke my head into her room, and Jasper has 5 pairs of her underwear out on her bed. She is arranging, fiddling, talking to her babies and singing some song about the weather and underwear.
"Jasper," I say, "Put on some underwear."
"OK, Mama!"
I'm half dressed myself. In the middle of the dishes I call out, "Jasper! Do you have your underwear on?"
"Yeah, Mama!"
I hear her in my room, so I go in to check it out. There she is, on my bed, with a pair of my underwear - you know, the one that comes in a pack of six that you know you're never going to wear but you keep anyway... just in case. That pair. And she's got them on, pulled up to her armpits, jumping on my bed, singing her underwear song. I love this kid.

Things That Suck

Cramps.
Gas pains masquerading as cramps.
Cramps masquerading as gas pains.
Leg stubble while wearing tight jeans.
My cat meowing at 4.30 am.
My cat meowing at 5.30 am.
My cat meowing at 6.30 am.
Not having enough coffee to brew even a full cup.
Being lied to.
Being lied about.
Not being told the whole truth. Note – this may be different than being lied to, in some people’s minds.
Not having enough time with my daughter.
Being told my daughter is not my daughter.
Realizing that perhaps you made a mistake, a big one, a long time ago.
Realizing that people aren’t always who you think they are.
Realizing that people aren’t always who you want them to be.
Realizing that your expectaions might have been too high.
Understanding that I cannot will people to do the right thing.
Understanding that bad things sometimes happen to good people.
Accepting that some people will never accept you.
Accepting that while it may seem like a good idea to wax your armpits, in truth it hurt like hell. And it grows back.

Tired of All the Lies

We all know what a lie is. It's when you say something that is not true, and you say it KNOWING that it is not true. Saying something that is not true, and WISHING REALLY REALLY HARD that it WAS true, does not make it true. It is still a lie. If you say something untrue, but didn't know it was untrue, then that maybe is not a lie. You're just wrong. So if I tell you that the dishes in the dishwasher are clean, and they aren't, but I thought they were - I don't consider this a lie, I'm just wrong. Oops. My apologies.

What if I neglect to tell you something - something important - and I don't tell you because if I do tell you, you'll get really upset with me. And I don't tell you knowing this, and also knowing that if I tell you or not, there's still a problem, or trouble ahead. Is that a lie? For example: I'm a teenager and my parents go out of town. My mother tells me, clearly tells me, that I am not allowed to go over to Ethel's house. While she is gone, I go over to Ethel's house, and I don't say anything to my parents. When they get back, I know that my mother will find out (because mothers find out EVERYTHING). I know that if I tell her, I'm in trouble. And if I don't tell her, and she finds out, then I'm in trouble. So I don't tell her. Have I lied? I did not speak an untruth. In fact, I'm thinking that by not telling her, I'm preventing myself from telling a lie. Some people will think that I have lied (in addition to disobeying my parents, which is a given) and some people will think that I did not lie. I can tell you what my parents think - I lied. And because I didn't fess up, I'm in more trouble - for disobeying AND lying. An omission of a truth, in their eyes, is a lie. And when I think about it, it is a lie in my eyes, too, no matter how I try to justify it.

Mmmphmm

It’s July. It’s hot, and it’s sticky. The car I drive has been rechristened the Duct Tape car – because the roof, head shield and sunroof are held together with duct tape. What started out as a bad episode of Annoyance Theatre has become a reality series with its own following. Duct Tape Car needs new brakes, has a peculiar odor when it’s hot and sticky, has tires that do not wish to remain properly inflated and is in desperate need of an external power wash. Which I won’t do, for fear of leaks, which would increase and possibly alter for the worse the peculiar smell.

My house is big and empty. It sighs at night when I come home, glad for a human presence. The front room is empty, save for a window fan and the paint cans from my mother’s most recent painting chores. On the whole it is clean. A bit of Harold hair here and there, and sometimes some pollen. A small pile of unattended mail on the dining room table. Jasper’s room is sweet, but only really comes alive when she’s around. Her books are in neat piles on the shelves, and some scattered about where she left them the last time she was over. I can’t bear to put them away. The bathrooms have potties in them, packages of wipes on the floor. Unused bath toys in the corner. I can’t believe how much space there is in the medicine cabinet. I never realized how little product I used.

The kitchen has a remarkable lack of crud in “the dirtiest corner in the house”. My refrigerator is void of nearly everything that can be called a condiment. This morning I thought to myself that perhaps I needed to go to the grocery store, but outside of milk, cream and cat food, I couldn’t think of a thing to buy. My freezer, however, is jam packed. 5 boxes of Girl Scout cookies which will still be there in January, 2 flavors of ice cream, meat meat and more meat, frozen potatoes, peas, carrots, beans, spinach. Note to self, get edamame. Jasper loves that. And more popsicles. And maybe freeze pops. I have a few spices now, not that I really use them. They are all blends. Chicago Steak Seasoning (makes even pasta taste like a fire grilled steak). Harley blend. Italian blend. Turkish Blend. 2 Emeril blends older than my daughter. Salt. I have my new knives out. I have a few new coffee mugs – thanks, Mom. Had to get new pots and pans, they hang mostly unused on the pot rack.

Upstairs hasn’t changed too much. Added a play kitchen and a doll house. Got 2 new chairs from IKEA. This time of year it’s either oppressively hot, or nice and cool from the one remaining working AC. The beer fridge is full of leftovers from the last Beer 101 party, and there’s Jagermeister in the freezer. Two guitars for Guitar Hero. Jasper claims the red one is hers and the black one is mine. I rock out late at night to Weezer and Rolling Stones and try to beat Slash in a battle. Jasper rocks out to Old MacDonald. There are fewer cat yak stains since Diva moved out, and definitely less cat hair. My office has moved downstairs, but only partly. I have some straightening and cleaning to do in that corner, but I’ll save that for another time.

My utility bills have decreased dramatically. Like by more than half. My mortgage doubled, though, but at least it’s all mine now. New bank account, new cable service, new credit cards. New legal bills. However, it’s nice managing my money, and mine alone. I always know how much I have (and don’t have) and there aren’t any more nasty surprises resulting in bounced checks. I have little in savings, enough for an emergency plane ticket, but not much else. Everything to the lawyers at this point, which is ridiculous, but more on that later.

A Few Things

1. Jasper has just come home form a visit to Wisconsin. No, silly, she didn't go by herself, she went with Mommy, aka Jill. Here are photos and videos for your entertainment. WARNING: media contains Nakey Girl.

2. This chicken soup I'm eating right now is AMAZING. I'm sitting in The Druid, as I do most Monday evenings, having a quick bite before class. OH MY GOD, MAGNUM, this is good stuff. FRESHFRESHFRESH veggies, good chunks of chicken, great broth. I'm even eating the carrots. Usually I'm a potato leek soup kinda girl, but they were out tonight. Good thing!

3. My class. Awesome. Our grad show dates have been set. Monday, December 10 at 7pm, and Tuesday December 11 at 8.30. We don't have a name for ourselves - YET. Stay tuned, I'll share when I know. Here's a linky for Improv Boston. And, yes, you should come. The chances are high that you will see me foam at the mouth or at least spit with passion or anger.

4. The barkeep, a lovely lass, just called me "darlin'" for the 3rd time. Sometimes life is lovely, indeed.

Oh, THE CUTENESS

New Jasper pix are up. Enjoy 2 Halloween previews as well as Jasper, leaves, and JasperInLeaves.

Am I Mama, or am I just Grace?

As the legal recognition of the Mama-Jasper relationship continues to flounder in Nevernever Land, many have begun to question our status. Am I Jasper’s Mama, a full-fledged real and true legal parent to my kid, assuring both of us that our bond cannot be severed, that I will always be tied to her and she to me? Or am I just her biological mother’s ex-wife, a nice lady who helped conceive and deliver her into the world, who has no legal ties, obligations, responsibilities and privileges to her? Here in Massachusetts Jasper’s moms have the right to marry, and to legally adopt her to form a cohesive undisputable bond. When adoption does not happen, for whatever reason, there are two statuses that can be awarded / applied / assigned to the non-bio parent: de facto parent, and parent by estoppel. What the heck do these terms mean?

From the Massachusetts Bar Association:

De facto parent:
"A child may be a member of a nontraditional family in which he is parented by a legal parent and a de facto parent. A de facto parent is one who has no biological relation to the child, but has participated in the child's life as a member of the child's family. The de facto parent resides with the child and, with the consent and encouragement of the legal parent, performs a share of caretaking functions at least as great as the legal parent." Critical to the court’s determination of whether or not a non biological or legal parent is a de facto parent is whether a “disruption in the adult-child relationship is potentially harmful to the child’s best interest.” Furthermore, there is an American Law Institute Principle of Family Law that would require the non-biological or non-adoptive parent to have lived with the child for at least two years in order to qualify for de facto parent status.

Parent by estoppel:
A.H. v. M.P., 447 Mass. 828 (2006). A woman who never adopted the child of her same-sex partner, "although she was well aware of the importance of doing so," and was not the primary caretaker for the child, did not have a legal right to visitation or a support agreement as a "de facto parent." Further, the court declined to adopt a "parent by estoppel," theory as defined in the ALI Principles of the Law of Family Dissolution § 2.03 (2002). saying, in part, "the parent by estoppel principle is a most dramatic intrusion into the rights of fit parents to care for their child as they see fit." and "parent by estoppel status is most appropriate where "adoption is not legally available or possible.""

So what does this mean in the case of Jasper and Mama? I spoke with an attorney and she agreed that the legal landscape is murky, but had some definitive things to say about our situation. There is much evidence to support the de facto parent status for us. We had a commitment ceremony in 1998, before marriage was legal for us. Jill and I early on (1999 or 2000) signed co-parenting agreements that outlined our plans for building a family, and our wishes if our relationship ended. (It is interesting to note that these documents were signed when I was trying to get pregnant.) We bought a home together, equally, in 1999, with the goal of filling it with love and children. In 2003 we were legally married in Toronto, and that marriage became legal in May 2004 in Massachusetts. We took on all of our conception struggles and adventures together, equally, whether it was at home conception or through a medical practice specializing in the particular challenges of lesbian fertility. When Jill became pregnant with Jasper we attended all prenatal visits and classes together. I assisted in the delivery of our daughter (no, really, I pulled her out! It was amazing!). Jasper’s donor, a friend of ours, quickly signed documents surrendering his parental claims. With few exceptions, both of Jasper’s moms have been present at her pediatrician visits, her daycare events, and make decisions together about her health and well being.

Where things get muddled is in the degeneration of our marriage. Currently we would both say that we are separated. We still all live in the condo together, and it is on the market for sale. Our plan is to buy a two-family house so that Jill and I can have our separate spaces and repair and get on with our separate lives, while at the same time being close and completely available for Jasper. Because of the emotional turmoil of our split, I spend a bit of time out of the house – classes on Mondays and time away on the weekends. Jill has responded to the emotional upheaval in her own ways; one effect has been for her to cling more tightly to our daughter. We are trying to break this spiral, understanding that it is not good for any of us, and in particular for Jasper. I do not have the time that I want to spend with Jasper – and time where the three of are together is difficult, and Jill and I try to maintain even keels for Jasper.

Jasper will readily tell you that she has “TWO Mommies” as she tries to hold up two fingers. One legal, the other of unknown legal status. So where does that leave us? I have no idea, but hopefully we will figure it out amicably, and soon

References:
http://www.mlgba.org/pages/recent.php