1. Jasper has just come home form a visit to Wisconsin. No, silly, she didn't go by herself, she went with Mommy, aka Jill. Here are photos and videos for your entertainment. WARNING: media contains Nakey Girl.
2. This chicken soup I'm eating right now is AMAZING. I'm sitting in The Druid, as I do most Monday evenings, having a quick bite before class. OH MY GOD, MAGNUM, this is good stuff. FRESHFRESHFRESH veggies, good chunks of chicken, great broth. I'm even eating the carrots. Usually I'm a potato leek soup kinda girl, but they were out tonight. Good thing!
3. My class. Awesome. Our grad show dates have been set. Monday, December 10 at 7pm, and Tuesday December 11 at 8.30. We don't have a name for ourselves - YET. Stay tuned, I'll share when I know. Here's a linky for Improv Boston. And, yes, you should come. The chances are high that you will see me foam at the mouth or at least spit with passion or anger.
4. The barkeep, a lovely lass, just called me "darlin'" for the 3rd time. Sometimes life is lovely, indeed.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Oh, THE CUTENESS
New Jasper pix are up. Enjoy 2 Halloween previews as well as Jasper, leaves, and JasperInLeaves.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Am I Mama, or am I just Grace?
As the legal recognition of the Mama-Jasper relationship continues to flounder in Nevernever Land, many have begun to question our status. Am I Jasper’s Mama, a full-fledged real and true legal parent to my kid, assuring both of us that our bond cannot be severed, that I will always be tied to her and she to me? Or am I just her biological mother’s ex-wife, a nice lady who helped conceive and deliver her into the world, who has no legal ties, obligations, responsibilities and privileges to her? Here in Massachusetts Jasper’s moms have the right to marry, and to legally adopt her to form a cohesive undisputable bond. When adoption does not happen, for whatever reason, there are two statuses that can be awarded / applied / assigned to the non-bio parent: de facto parent, and parent by estoppel. What the heck do these terms mean?
From the Massachusetts Bar Association:
De facto parent:
"A child may be a member of a nontraditional family in which he is parented by a legal parent and a de facto parent. A de facto parent is one who has no biological relation to the child, but has participated in the child's life as a member of the child's family. The de facto parent resides with the child and, with the consent and encouragement of the legal parent, performs a share of caretaking functions at least as great as the legal parent." Critical to the court’s determination of whether or not a non biological or legal parent is a de facto parent is whether a “disruption in the adult-child relationship is potentially harmful to the child’s best interest.” Furthermore, there is an American Law Institute Principle of Family Law that would require the non-biological or non-adoptive parent to have lived with the child for at least two years in order to qualify for de facto parent status.
Parent by estoppel:
A.H. v. M.P., 447 Mass. 828 (2006). A woman who never adopted the child of her same-sex partner, "although she was well aware of the importance of doing so," and was not the primary caretaker for the child, did not have a legal right to visitation or a support agreement as a "de facto parent." Further, the court declined to adopt a "parent by estoppel," theory as defined in the ALI Principles of the Law of Family Dissolution § 2.03 (2002). saying, in part, "the parent by estoppel principle is a most dramatic intrusion into the rights of fit parents to care for their child as they see fit." and "parent by estoppel status is most appropriate where "adoption is not legally available or possible.""
So what does this mean in the case of Jasper and Mama? I spoke with an attorney and she agreed that the legal landscape is murky, but had some definitive things to say about our situation. There is much evidence to support the de facto parent status for us. We had a commitment ceremony in 1998, before marriage was legal for us. Jill and I early on (1999 or 2000) signed co-parenting agreements that outlined our plans for building a family, and our wishes if our relationship ended. (It is interesting to note that these documents were signed when I was trying to get pregnant.) We bought a home together, equally, in 1999, with the goal of filling it with love and children. In 2003 we were legally married in Toronto, and that marriage became legal in May 2004 in Massachusetts. We took on all of our conception struggles and adventures together, equally, whether it was at home conception or through a medical practice specializing in the particular challenges of lesbian fertility. When Jill became pregnant with Jasper we attended all prenatal visits and classes together. I assisted in the delivery of our daughter (no, really, I pulled her out! It was amazing!). Jasper’s donor, a friend of ours, quickly signed documents surrendering his parental claims. With few exceptions, both of Jasper’s moms have been present at her pediatrician visits, her daycare events, and make decisions together about her health and well being.
Where things get muddled is in the degeneration of our marriage. Currently we would both say that we are separated. We still all live in the condo together, and it is on the market for sale. Our plan is to buy a two-family house so that Jill and I can have our separate spaces and repair and get on with our separate lives, while at the same time being close and completely available for Jasper. Because of the emotional turmoil of our split, I spend a bit of time out of the house – classes on Mondays and time away on the weekends. Jill has responded to the emotional upheaval in her own ways; one effect has been for her to cling more tightly to our daughter. We are trying to break this spiral, understanding that it is not good for any of us, and in particular for Jasper. I do not have the time that I want to spend with Jasper – and time where the three of are together is difficult, and Jill and I try to maintain even keels for Jasper.
Jasper will readily tell you that she has “TWO Mommies” as she tries to hold up two fingers. One legal, the other of unknown legal status. So where does that leave us? I have no idea, but hopefully we will figure it out amicably, and soon
References:
http://www.mlgba.org/pages/recent.php
From the Massachusetts Bar Association:
De facto parent:
"A child may be a member of a nontraditional family in which he is parented by a legal parent and a de facto parent. A de facto parent is one who has no biological relation to the child, but has participated in the child's life as a member of the child's family. The de facto parent resides with the child and, with the consent and encouragement of the legal parent, performs a share of caretaking functions at least as great as the legal parent." Critical to the court’s determination of whether or not a non biological or legal parent is a de facto parent is whether a “disruption in the adult-child relationship is potentially harmful to the child’s best interest.” Furthermore, there is an American Law Institute Principle of Family Law that would require the non-biological or non-adoptive parent to have lived with the child for at least two years in order to qualify for de facto parent status.
Parent by estoppel:
A.H. v. M.P., 447 Mass. 828 (2006). A woman who never adopted the child of her same-sex partner, "although she was well aware of the importance of doing so," and was not the primary caretaker for the child, did not have a legal right to visitation or a support agreement as a "de facto parent." Further, the court declined to adopt a "parent by estoppel," theory as defined in the ALI Principles of the Law of Family Dissolution § 2.03 (2002). saying, in part, "the parent by estoppel principle is a most dramatic intrusion into the rights of fit parents to care for their child as they see fit." and "parent by estoppel status is most appropriate where "adoption is not legally available or possible.""
So what does this mean in the case of Jasper and Mama? I spoke with an attorney and she agreed that the legal landscape is murky, but had some definitive things to say about our situation. There is much evidence to support the de facto parent status for us. We had a commitment ceremony in 1998, before marriage was legal for us. Jill and I early on (1999 or 2000) signed co-parenting agreements that outlined our plans for building a family, and our wishes if our relationship ended. (It is interesting to note that these documents were signed when I was trying to get pregnant.) We bought a home together, equally, in 1999, with the goal of filling it with love and children. In 2003 we were legally married in Toronto, and that marriage became legal in May 2004 in Massachusetts. We took on all of our conception struggles and adventures together, equally, whether it was at home conception or through a medical practice specializing in the particular challenges of lesbian fertility. When Jill became pregnant with Jasper we attended all prenatal visits and classes together. I assisted in the delivery of our daughter (no, really, I pulled her out! It was amazing!). Jasper’s donor, a friend of ours, quickly signed documents surrendering his parental claims. With few exceptions, both of Jasper’s moms have been present at her pediatrician visits, her daycare events, and make decisions together about her health and well being.
Where things get muddled is in the degeneration of our marriage. Currently we would both say that we are separated. We still all live in the condo together, and it is on the market for sale. Our plan is to buy a two-family house so that Jill and I can have our separate spaces and repair and get on with our separate lives, while at the same time being close and completely available for Jasper. Because of the emotional turmoil of our split, I spend a bit of time out of the house – classes on Mondays and time away on the weekends. Jill has responded to the emotional upheaval in her own ways; one effect has been for her to cling more tightly to our daughter. We are trying to break this spiral, understanding that it is not good for any of us, and in particular for Jasper. I do not have the time that I want to spend with Jasper – and time where the three of are together is difficult, and Jill and I try to maintain even keels for Jasper.
Jasper will readily tell you that she has “TWO Mommies” as she tries to hold up two fingers. One legal, the other of unknown legal status. So where does that leave us? I have no idea, but hopefully we will figure it out amicably, and soon
References:
http://www.mlgba.org/pages/recent.php
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
40 is the new Pink
If there is anyone out there reading this, I am turning 40 next week. Now, the big deal about this is that I have to renew my driver's license - and that means a new picture. When I last renewed my license, 5 years ago, I had the option of getting a new picture or using the last one. As I was having a bad hair day I chose to keep the old one. Which means my picture is nearly 10 years old. They won't let me keep this picture - don't know why, I look the same. OK, a few more grey hairs - which won't show up on a photo that tiny. But I have wicked bags under my eyes, and more chins than I really want! And I squint now when I smile. WTF?
So here's what I think I'll have to do - clearly I will have to go on a good hair day. (Good thing I just got a haircut - thanks, Richard!) I will also have to have a good night's sleep. AND be caffeinated. So that means maybe next Monday... but I'm always so stressed out on Mondays after being home on Sundays.... OK, Tuesday. No, wait, I have class on Monday night and I sometimes go out after that. Hmmm... well, then Wed.
OK, now what do I wear? I mean, I'm going to be looking at this crap for the next 5 years, so it should be something pretty decent. Something that shows my neck, that helps with the multiple chin thing. And nothing too light in color - then I'll look like every other washed out Irish gal.
Thoughts?
So here's what I think I'll have to do - clearly I will have to go on a good hair day. (Good thing I just got a haircut - thanks, Richard!) I will also have to have a good night's sleep. AND be caffeinated. So that means maybe next Monday... but I'm always so stressed out on Mondays after being home on Sundays.... OK, Tuesday. No, wait, I have class on Monday night and I sometimes go out after that. Hmmm... well, then Wed.
OK, now what do I wear? I mean, I'm going to be looking at this crap for the next 5 years, so it should be something pretty decent. Something that shows my neck, that helps with the multiple chin thing. And nothing too light in color - then I'll look like every other washed out Irish gal.
Thoughts?
Monday, August 6, 2007
More Potty Talk
Guess who has peed in the potty? Guess who points to her backside and says "poopies"? Guess who wants to sit on her potty whenever a mom sites on the big potty? Yup. You got it. Jaspertini the Toddler.
So the peeing thing is mostly luck. First thing in the morning, when a mom gets up, Jasper is plunked on the potty and a mom is plunked on the big pot. Lots of potty talk ensues (the good kind) and then the toddler pees. Probably because the mom is peeing and it's first thing in the morning and who DOESN'T have to pee that early. The potty is funny, because if ANY liquid or solid hits the bowl then it started to make music. Lots of exclamations, lots of "Good Job, Jappa!" Then comes the wiping. Also funny. When Jasper has a cold and we need to wipe her nose we ask her if she "needs a nose", or "let me get that nose". Sometimes we use kleenex if it's handy, other times we use toilet paper. Jasper calles toilet paper "nose" now. So when she's done on the potty, she points to the tp roll and says "Nose!" She gets one square, wipes herself (the other day she wiped her feet first... don't know what that was about...) then waves bye bye and flushes the toilet.
I'm sure many of you have experienced potty training funnies - now you get to listen to mine.
So the peeing thing is mostly luck. First thing in the morning, when a mom gets up, Jasper is plunked on the potty and a mom is plunked on the big pot. Lots of potty talk ensues (the good kind) and then the toddler pees. Probably because the mom is peeing and it's first thing in the morning and who DOESN'T have to pee that early. The potty is funny, because if ANY liquid or solid hits the bowl then it started to make music. Lots of exclamations, lots of "Good Job, Jappa!" Then comes the wiping. Also funny. When Jasper has a cold and we need to wipe her nose we ask her if she "needs a nose", or "let me get that nose". Sometimes we use kleenex if it's handy, other times we use toilet paper. Jasper calles toilet paper "nose" now. So when she's done on the potty, she points to the tp roll and says "Nose!" She gets one square, wipes herself (the other day she wiped her feet first... don't know what that was about...) then waves bye bye and flushes the toilet.
I'm sure many of you have experienced potty training funnies - now you get to listen to mine.
Friday, August 3, 2007
Family
So what is Family? Lots of people are talking about this, the conservative right, the liberal left, my friends, my coworkers, my parents, cousins.
When I was a kid and people asked me about my Family I talked about my parents, my siblings, and maybe my aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. Family was about some sort of blood connection, or marriage to some blood connection. Friends were separate entities and did not count as Family.
In high school I expanded that definition to include other people, not related by blood, who I considered Family - neighbors who were as parents to me, and their children who were as siblings. I was able to make this extension as a teen based on simple concepts of authority: I got in trouble with Mrs. B and she made me do some chores as punishment. Mrs. M treated me as an older responsible daughter. I interacted with the other kids as if they were my siblings - teasing, taunting, including and excluding them from activities like my own sisters and brother. So Family was about relationships, and in my youth Family relationships were about power and authority.
After college, and after a huge falling out with my own parents, I embraced a different concept of Family - a Chosen Family. Included were people who I loved and who loved me. People I would laugh with, fight with, and occasionally cry with. People I would travel to strange places with, people to whom I would trust my life, whether at the end of a rope, in a financial arrangement, or in some other threatening situation. Family to me became about trust and love, and not so much about power and authority and blood.
Years ago I met a beautiful person and fell ass over teakettle in love. We built a life together, bought a house, planned on children. We married in front of our Family, all definitions of Family. It was a time when our relationship and marriage was not always welcome, and I fought internal and external forces telling me that my Love was not part of my Family. We both struggled against these forces and finally arrived at a point where the people in our world, our Families, by blood and love, all saw our union as one of Family, and we were incorporated into each other's Families as well as any other.
Last year when people asked me about my Family I responded by talking about my wife and my new daughter. Though there might be raised eyebrows at this, there have been very few pointed comments to me that my child is not my child because I did not birth her. In our community there are many permutations of the child-parent family scenario. Biological kids, adopted kids, step kids, foster kids. One parent, two parents, three or four parents. All fall into the definition of Family, and for the first time I was able to expand my experience of Family to include being a parent.
This year I am experiencing another shift in my experience of Family, though not necessarily my definition. As I face the not so distant reality of living by myself, my daughter with me only part of the time, I feel a giant gaping hole opening up. I expected my Family to be myself, my wife, our kid, and possibly more kids. This will not be the case. Where I have experienced 40 years of expanding my Family, of expanding my capacity to love and be loved, I have only experienced this kind of loss at the death of a Family member, and never has it been so great, so huge, so terrifying as it is now. To compound the gaping hole there are legal questions at hand: is my kid really my kid? Given that I did not birth her, the second parent adoption process has stalled, and even with my name listed on her Cambridge, MA birth certificate, I am legally her mother? There are emotional questions at hand, too, questions I never thought contained an iota of valid logic, now rearing up like dementors to suck the happiness out of me.
As I face these questions and hurdles I ask myself, who is in my Family? My soon-to-be ex will always be in my Family, and that would be true even if we never had a child together. My daughter, the child of my soul, of my heart, of my sweat and tears if not of my blood, she will always be Family. Perhaps there will be others to come. Other friends not yet met who will become Family. Other Loves. Other children. So in the agonizing face of the contraction of the daily presence of my immediate Family, I can only know that my Family will, eventually, in time, expand again.
When I was a kid and people asked me about my Family I talked about my parents, my siblings, and maybe my aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. Family was about some sort of blood connection, or marriage to some blood connection. Friends were separate entities and did not count as Family.
In high school I expanded that definition to include other people, not related by blood, who I considered Family - neighbors who were as parents to me, and their children who were as siblings. I was able to make this extension as a teen based on simple concepts of authority: I got in trouble with Mrs. B and she made me do some chores as punishment. Mrs. M treated me as an older responsible daughter. I interacted with the other kids as if they were my siblings - teasing, taunting, including and excluding them from activities like my own sisters and brother. So Family was about relationships, and in my youth Family relationships were about power and authority.
After college, and after a huge falling out with my own parents, I embraced a different concept of Family - a Chosen Family. Included were people who I loved and who loved me. People I would laugh with, fight with, and occasionally cry with. People I would travel to strange places with, people to whom I would trust my life, whether at the end of a rope, in a financial arrangement, or in some other threatening situation. Family to me became about trust and love, and not so much about power and authority and blood.
Years ago I met a beautiful person and fell ass over teakettle in love. We built a life together, bought a house, planned on children. We married in front of our Family, all definitions of Family. It was a time when our relationship and marriage was not always welcome, and I fought internal and external forces telling me that my Love was not part of my Family. We both struggled against these forces and finally arrived at a point where the people in our world, our Families, by blood and love, all saw our union as one of Family, and we were incorporated into each other's Families as well as any other.
Last year when people asked me about my Family I responded by talking about my wife and my new daughter. Though there might be raised eyebrows at this, there have been very few pointed comments to me that my child is not my child because I did not birth her. In our community there are many permutations of the child-parent family scenario. Biological kids, adopted kids, step kids, foster kids. One parent, two parents, three or four parents. All fall into the definition of Family, and for the first time I was able to expand my experience of Family to include being a parent.
This year I am experiencing another shift in my experience of Family, though not necessarily my definition. As I face the not so distant reality of living by myself, my daughter with me only part of the time, I feel a giant gaping hole opening up. I expected my Family to be myself, my wife, our kid, and possibly more kids. This will not be the case. Where I have experienced 40 years of expanding my Family, of expanding my capacity to love and be loved, I have only experienced this kind of loss at the death of a Family member, and never has it been so great, so huge, so terrifying as it is now. To compound the gaping hole there are legal questions at hand: is my kid really my kid? Given that I did not birth her, the second parent adoption process has stalled, and even with my name listed on her Cambridge, MA birth certificate, I am legally her mother? There are emotional questions at hand, too, questions I never thought contained an iota of valid logic, now rearing up like dementors to suck the happiness out of me.
As I face these questions and hurdles I ask myself, who is in my Family? My soon-to-be ex will always be in my Family, and that would be true even if we never had a child together. My daughter, the child of my soul, of my heart, of my sweat and tears if not of my blood, she will always be Family. Perhaps there will be others to come. Other friends not yet met who will become Family. Other Loves. Other children. So in the agonizing face of the contraction of the daily presence of my immediate Family, I can only know that my Family will, eventually, in time, expand again.
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